Are You Listening? (No. You’re Waiting.)

Smart Ass Take:

I am not a good listener. I am a good waiter. I sit politely while you talk, nodding at intervals calibrated to suggest engagement, while my brain quietly loads the anecdote I plan to deploy the instant you inhale. (It’s a great anecdote. It involves an escaped convict, a black bear, and a beach house in Michigan City.) So this one stung. The big secret here is almost insultingly simple: when someone tells you they’re upset, say back what you heard. Don’t fix it. Don’t tell them it’ll all work out. Don’t mention the time the same thing happened to you, only worse, and you handled it better. Just say “That sounds lonely” and then shut up. The researchers say you can’t fake it, which is a real problem for those of us who have spent decades perfecting the fake.

Article Excerpt:

“I can tell you a hazard is, people are so eager to talk to you,” said William Miller, an emeritus distinguished professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of New Mexico. “If you do this on a bus or an airplane, you’ll have a conversation all the way to wherever you’re going.”

Article Summary:

Maggie Penman’s piece opens with Alain Braillon, a liver doctor who chose his specialty because he liked things black and white. Then he met actual patients, who turned out to have opinions, habits, and feelings, none of which show up on a blood panel. A psychologist colleague taught him reflective listening, and his patients started trusting him.

The technique is simple to the point of embarrassment: when someone’s upset, paraphrase what they’re telling you. Psychologist William Miller recommends offering your guess about their feelings as a statement, not a question. “It sounds like you feel overwhelmed.” Either they say yes and tell you more, or they say no and tell you more. Win-win, unless you were hoping to talk.

Which, per psychologist Martha Straus, most of us are. We’re individualistic, phone-addled, and mostly waiting for our turn. UCLA’s Hanne Collins notes that good listening boosts respect, empathy, and connection, and that reflective listening works because you can’t paraphrase someone while your mind is off picking out a sandwich. It also keeps you from the classic helpful-but-useless moves: unsolicited advice, silver linings, and “I’m sure it’ll work out.” Miller always asks before giving advice. Imagine.

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